Get on my Knees and Ask, ‘Will You Hire Me?’

One of the things I disliked the most about public school ‘getting to know you’ assignments and college entrance essays, were those prompts they would give you where you would have to talk about yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses in this subject you’ll forget after your exams? Why do you think you’d be a good fit here at the University of Charging Too Much?

On and on and on.

The reason I disliked these so much could easily be summed up by two things: I find it very fucking uncomfortable talking about myself for the scrutiny of others, and my brain is an asshole who would rather do literally anything other than function long enough for me to strum up an essay’s worth of reasons why I think I deserve a higher education that isn’t ‘I don’t want to starve in the future because I have a terrible job.’ The anxiety of having to explain myself and up-talk the person that I am to total strangers in the hopes that maybe they find the train wreak that is the inside of my head interesting or easy to relate to, was always the bane of my younger-self’s existence; I had a visceral need to appeal to and please people. I was very glad to leave those days behind after finishing my degree (and am dreading it currently when I go back to round two of the educational boxing match.)

I bring this up, because the longer I freelance the more I find myself writing these god-forsaken essays, though now at a weekly rate depending on work flow. Since freelancing often comes with one time jobs and consistent, long-term clients can be rare, there’s a lot of shuffling about and cycling around new clients – and their dreaded but needed work proposals.

Often, I’ll be sitting at the computer with one pulled up. And I’ll know that I qualify for the job. I’ll have all my past experience lined up, ready to tailor to the specific requirements. Maybe have looked through some of the follow up questions that need further answering. Fingers poised over the keys and a tiny little mantra after I’ve looked over payment and decided that I can work with parameters – I’ve got this.

My mind draws blanks.

‘Why do you think you’re a good fit for this job?’ My answer? I don’t know shit fuck, my guy.

Points for creativity to me, minus a grade for lack of actual answer, however.


2 thoughts on “Get on my Knees and Ask, ‘Will You Hire Me?’

  1. I have resented this exact stuff for so many years in so many capacities….It’s stupid. You want the job because you like some aspect(s) of it and/or the purpose behind it….You also want the job because it made the short list of what you are exactly qualified to do. Yet potential employers like to say they use these things as proof of your ability to handle language and formulate sentences, essays, concise ideas. I say if you want to know, pick up a phone and run the darn reference. I often think these little tasks are little more than a smokescreen for hiding any real reason of substance for NOT hiring.

    What did I learn at college? Far too many people in charge of hiring are smug little children on the playground. I’ve even been told once that I didn’t get the job because I didn’t beg…”It’s just the way she is: she wants to hear you beg…”

    Some people need to grow up and it isn’t us….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. I feel it’s obvious why a person would be seeking job. Where is the point in trying to pull a purple-prose answer from someone to see if maybe it’s more purpley and prosey than the next Gary, Larry, and Harry that come by? At best it’s tedious… at worse nerve-wracking. And yet we’re tied down to it all regardless.

      Perhaps the people pulling the strings just enjoy seeing us little puppets dance. I look forward to the day that’s not common practice.

      Liked by 1 person

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